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U of Texas Gunners Stay No. 1 in Wins/Killings

The University of Texas Longhorn Gunners re-holstered their top National Campus Carry ranking Saturday by defeating No. 7 Oklahoma State with 1,245 confirmed killings to 1,207 before a crowd of 94,356 screaming survivors in Longhorn Stadium.

gun-fire-WallFizz

Bummer firing his weapon.

It took a rally by Longhorn captain Barry “Shooter” Bummer, considered the favorite for this year’s NRA Marksman Trophy, in the last five minutes to bring Texas from behind. The Horns trailed the Cowboys 1,195 – 1,107 with 5:32 left in the game.

Then Bummer, famous for his late-game barrages, found cover behind a body pile of OSU reserves and mowed down a bevy of Cowpoke alums attempting to get a final beer near the east end zone stands.

The All-American Bummer then assured the victory with direct hits on each of the Cowboy marching band as they tried to rally their team with a rendition of “I Shot the Sheriff”.

Bummer mumbled humbly following the contest:

I have to credit my entire team and our coach Stud Stetson. You can’t massacre a mass of humanity without a solid support system.

Sharpshooter Bummer led all scorers with 434 kills and wounding only 49. He also garnered the sportsmanship trophy for the fewest number of murdered children: 19. OSU’s All-American gunner Rance Limpid led the Cowboys with 381 kills, 93 wounded and 35 dead kids.

After the game, Coach Stetson confided:

OSU packs a solid team with a lot of finesse. Some of their best plays involve guys fakin’ bein’ hit by gunfire, fallin’, playin’ possum, then jumpin’ to their haunches and firin’ with deadly accuracy. They got a lot of quick, and hit ya with the good clean lick.

The Longhorns are 4-0. Oklahoma State dropped to 3-1. In other Top Ten games:

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Irish coach Wince grieving loss.

No. 2 Oklahoma slaughtered winless Notre Dame 3,254 to 0. Explained Notre Dame coach Gimp Wince following the one-sided Armageddon:

Ya know, we’re a Catholic school and pacifists. We don’t believe in carrying weapons or harming others. We follow the, ya know, commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill.’ But we believe in good sportsmanship. And, ya know, being Catholics, our faith requires we suffer to pay for our sins. So we suit up and show up and play the game. And who remains lying in the loam or limps away is, ya know, God’s will.

No. 3 UCLA downed No. 25 Oregon 1,027 to 840. No. 4 Alabama outlasted No. 5 Georgia 1,844 to 1,723, and No. 10 U of Florida upset No. 8 North Carolina 1,455 to 1,440. No. 6 Kentucky and No. 9 Army were both idle.

The National Collegiate Campus Carry Association (NCCCA) reported Saturday night that their computer totals show the PAC 12 and Big 12 leading the nation in killings on the early season with 95,396 and 91,499 respectively. The two conferences racked up high scores, including shameful mass murders of the young, in opening season games against Division II opponents.

PAC 12 commissioner Aimin Shure responded Saturday night:

We’re proud of our guys here out west. But it’s still early in the season. I’m gonna talk to each team’s head coach. I’m gonna stress that they really need to bear down on accuracy. They need more clean killings and cut down on the number of wounded. And, doggone it, they need to really concentrate on not assassinating those preteens. It’s bad sportsmanship, and it’s not really good for the nation’s future.

Roger Armbrust

Roger Armbrust's articles and columns have covered labor and management, Congressional legislation, and federal court cases, including appeals to the U.S. Supreme Court. He formerly served as national news editor of Back Stage in New York City, where he also taught a professional writing course at New York University. His recent book of sonnets -- oh, touch me there: Love Sonnets -- is available from Amazon and other book sites. He is an associate curator of The Clyde Fitch Report. He is also co-founder and co-curator of reality: a world of views.

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