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900 Republicans Announce for President

The Republican presidential sprint has turned into a mass marathon. The headcount this week amassed to 900 candidates — the field ballooning ironically following the announcement that the Koch Brothers — Charles and David — are contributing $900 million to a field of GOP competitors.

republican candidates satire

All 900 Republican presidential candidates gather to hear Norquist on Washington street this week.


The entire Giant Elephant parade includes another ironic twist: All 900 candidates have employed the same campaign manager — Grover Norquist.

Norquist, the conservative tax-cut collective’s Grand Inquisitor, commented today that he is the only logical choice to run the legion of campaigns.

“All the candidates are running with a No Taxes philosophy, and all have signed my Sacred Oath to End Taxation,” Norquist said, trying to surpress a giggle. “So I’m the logical one to monitor their behavior and mold their message.”

Norquist, in an aside, also noted a major reason for his running the Republican onslaught.

Ya know, only two of these jokers…er jerks…I mean Dedicated Public Servants!…(Damn!)… Only two of them can serve as Commander in Chief and VP. But I’ve designed the only software program that can place the other 898 in plush government positions. It’s based on the campaign money they’ve raised. The greediest will gain Cabinet positions, with the biggest bucks of course going to Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense. Then the other positions will degrade…I mean descend…to placements as Foreign Ambassadors and White House Advisors.”

Grover norquist

Norquist responds when asked how he’s going to control 900 candidates.

Norquist insisted his quotes include a plethora of Capitalized Titles so the report will appear to be a public relations press release rather than a legitimate news report.

The Grand Inquisitor was asked if the obese tribe of candidates wouldn’t cause problems within the party. If so many political warriors might not result in resentments and ill will that could hurt the GOP in the general election. He took the reporter off to a corner and whispered:

Don’t quote me on this, but all these egos are interested in only one thing: their own welfare. They already hate each other for being a possible block to each one of them gaining complete world power and controlling the entire global economy. So I wouldn’t concern myself with ill will rising where it’s already flourishing.

He then spewed out a laugh mirroring Jack Nicholson as The Joker while checking through his i-Phone’s columns of messages.

A brief survey of some of the announced candidates provided insight into why they are running for the nation’s highest office. Here are a handful of their responses:

Rick Santorum: “For God, country and my baby…and the money. Oh, and to promote my new book.”

Ted Cruz: “So I can do impressions of ‘Simpsons’ characters. And to promote my new book. Okay, and for the money.”

Jeb Bush: “I have a bet with my pop and bro presidents that, like Orson Welles, I can become The Third Man. What? For the money? Naw, I’ve got money. For the power! And did I mention I’ve got a new book?”

Chris Christie: “I wanna privatize the world’s water, like I’m doin’ in Jersey. But, of course, I have to start with the aqua here in the good ol’ USofA. Also, I could use the money. And, hey, have you heard I’ve written a b…oh, you’ve heard, huh? Okay.”

Melvin Restless, a 65-year-old janitor from Rutherford, NJ, also announced today as a Republican presidential candidate. He was asked why:

I’ve been a Republican all my life, like my dad, and his dad. We liked Ike. We tolerated Reagan and H.W. — even though ol’ Ron’s now a myth rather than a reality. Then, in the new century, everything started goin’ to hell. Now we got these fascists — in both parties — trying to run Washington, keep us in endless war, and spy on everybody, including Americans. I wanna turn that around. Push for free higher education, so young people can go into the work force without debt and immediately start helping grow the economy. Losing those college loans might hurt the banks, but to hell with the banks. I got other ideas too, but I’m not ready to release ’em yet.”

Norquist was told of Restless’s views. He responded:

Ugh. I haven’t talked to him yet. I’ll get him to sign the No Tax pledge, instruct him on his campaign’s direction, then give him his cut of the Koch’s $900 million.

Norquist was asked how he would divide the Koch largesse among the 900 candidates, seeing that it takes at least a billion dollars now to run a national campaign. The giggling Inquisitor confided, whispering in the reporter’s good ear:

We’ll give each of ’em $1 million. It’s just seed money. Look, these gangsters aren’t really in this to win the presidency. They’ve seen the polls. They know it’s useless. They’re in it to siphon off a few mill so they can live the high life for four years until they can run again. What? Melvin Restless? Well, maybe he’s not planning to do that now. But after I educate him, he will be.


Roger Armbrust

Roger Armbrust's articles and columns have covered labor and management, Congressional legislation, and federal court cases, including appeals to the U.S. Supreme Court. He formerly served as national news editor of Back Stage in New York City, where he also taught a professional writing course at New York University. His recent book of sonnets -- oh, touch me there: Love Sonnets -- is available from Amazon and other book sites. He is an associate curator of The Clyde Fitch Report. He is also co-founder and co-curator of reality: a world of views.

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